This early moment of my pregnancy defined my marriage. It was a tell tell sign of the road I was about to take with my (then) husband and my (now) ex husband.
Go with me as I share a very intimate detail from the very beginning of my ex marriage.
One evening during my early pregnancy, after coming home alone from Bible study, I found this rubber fetus in our toilet as I went to use our restroom. My husband was sound asleep in the bedroom.
My initial thoughts was hurt. This confirmed he didn't want to have or baby.
The pregnancy wasn’t planned, of course, but I was carrying our child. In my heart and mind I was nervous about bringing a whole human on this earth. Didn’t know what type of mother I would be or what to even expect. But I didn’t let this moment deter me from having her, let alone for forever loving her. As for him, I always sensed he didn’t want her. This incident sealed my assumption to facts.
I cried that night wondering does he even love me? But I chose not to say anything to him that evening. I went off to bed after retrieving the fetus from the toilet and washing it off. Being hurtful was his norm. He even said in so many words, when he wants to cut you hard- he will. (Just to share, we had ongoing tension since we returned back from our honeymoon 2 or 3 months earlier from the incident, and news of a baby wasn’t all that exciting to him.)
He didn’t want her. He expressed this in other ways too by stating he wasn’t going to put me on his insurance for his job, and I had to find healthcare. Another, he said he didn’t care what I did with it. So I had to find government assistance as health insurance at that time so I could go to pre-natal appointments.
But this night, I was assured I was on this road alone.
The excitement I wanted to share with my spouse during that time was non existent. More often than not, he seemed stressed about it. But the fetus in the toilet was a mirror of our marriage. Of course I didn't want to see it. I wanted to believe his words he shared later to me, “I did it to hurt you like you hurt me. And I knew it would hurt you. Of course I want my kid.”
But during my pregnancy I never caught a video of him rubbing on my tummy or speaking to “pea” (later named Dallas). Not once he shared the exciting news on social media about expecting or “look at my wife glowing”. It was a horrible pregnancy, although I had a healthy pregnancy, if that makes sense? I felt unwanted and unloved because I was carrying a child he didn’t want.
Yes he tried so hard to prove he wanted her after that night. But his efforts didn't speak louder than what he placed in the toilet. They were useless. Even our marriage counselor was surprised that we were back in counseling after the fetus incident. She expressed to him that was horrific to experience, and that even she felt the pain of it all.
Moral: marriage is not what you may expect it to be. But trusting God that His plan is prevailing in your life must happen in order to fully accept surprises.
Just like my blog, I felt like the vow “...in sickness and in health” wasn’t being honored. I felt like he only wanted a marriage for better, for richer and in health. Even though I wasn’t sick per se - pregnancy came fresh off our honeymoon and so unexpected. I had so many days I needed to be taken care of physically and emotionally, and my (ex) husband felt like he was carrying another dependent.
I’m reminded of a woman that shared some advice to me in my book. She shared “You don’t want anyone that’s going to hit the brinks when the going get tough.” And that’s what I felt like - desolate in my marriage because the going got tough from the very start.
There is nothing surface about a committed marriage. Going into it with the hopes you will get the marriage of your dreams is setting you up for failure. However, going into marriage with an open mind saying this could change in a blink of an eye, will I be still down for the cause will better equip you for anything that may happen.