“You need to go to therapy and heal from the trauma that’s happened in your life,” says the guy from which all the trauma came from.
Before dating my ex husband, I took a long hiatus from dating men and got my soul centered back into God. I allowed my spirit to be replenished from my Ultimate Help after a bad breakup. I really just gutted out the hurt from past relationships period. I never got a chance to heal, fully. So I made sure after that last horrible breakup, I took time for myself. (You can definitely read about it in my book.)
So coming into the marriage I definitely worked on some kinks in me (definitely not all) so my husband wouldn’t have to pay for someone else’s mistakes. However, when I was married and my husband said these words, “You need to heal,” I was appalled at how much he knew about the hurt he caused.
But I fought hard for the marriage. I fought to stay. I fought in prayer. I fought with counseling (individual and couples therapy). I fought alright, and there was still no progress. Counseling lessons were manipulated to turn into what she said I should do, and never about what she said he should do. Prayers seemed to not be heard by God. I continued to be demeaned and belittled. So I sought out the second and final divorce ending our marriage.
But how could I heal when I kept being hurt?
Fast forward to after the divorce. You would think after finally being free that I wouldn’t subject myself to someone to hurt me, right? But the name calling continued. The hurtful actions toward me continued and started towards our daughter (as a pawn). Everyone was saying at that point, “He’s just doing that to get to you.” “Don’t let it upset you.”
But how? How not to let the actions of a man I once loved hurt me? How can I not be hurt when I am forced to still maintain this awkward relationship because of our daughter? I didn’t stop loving him once the papers were signed, so if I’m still attached, how can I let this hurt roll off my shoulders like it doesn’t matter? How can I heal while still being hurt?
Yes, I had to maintain some type of relationship because of our daughter, but honestly this slowed my progress of healing down. Being in constant communication with him slowed the desperate restoration I needed. I’ve learned that you can’t heal from a thing you’re still playing with. And although we didn’t have a romantic relationship, I didn’t cut off unnecessary communication with him.
Whether you were once married or once in a relationship and you want to be free from that bondage and to move forward in healing, here is what I learned:
#1 - Make sure your decision to sever ties is firm. Don’t base your decisions on a one day emotion. Think about it and make sure your no is a firm no. This is a pre-requisite of # 2
#2 - If you don’t have anything that tie you two together, cut off communication - PERIOD. Trust me, coming from a divorced relationship, if there isn’t a child or property or a significant amount of money that you need to communicate about, let it ride. $50 ain’t worth the back and forth between two exes. I’ve watched enough people’s court to know. Unfollow and Unfriend will be your most favorite buttons and I am a strong believer in that. I personally believe if your spirit can’t take seeing post from your ex, remove them. And it’s ok.
#3 - If there is something that ties you two together, only communicate about that thing and make it brief. The less you say, the better.
#4 - Don’t get caught up in conversations that go left (off subject). This has happened to me on numerous occasions. It started off talking about the baby, and ended up talking about our failed marriage. I wondered “how did this conversation turn left?” It’s a trick used by the ex to get your emotions high and radical. Believe it or not, people feed off this energy as a “high” and its gross. Don’t make long, emotional rants and texts because that’s reopening a wound you’re trying to close. I just saw a quote that says “The enemy is constantly trying to steal the joy the Lord is giving you.” That’s what’s happening when you play into the hand of the enemy. Next thing you know you regret it, they got their fix and it leaves you desolate and open, vulnerable. Protect that at all cost.
#5 - During your times alone, if you find your mind wandering about them & the past failed relationship, what you could have done differently / what they should have done - do not break your vow to yourself and contact whom you’re trying to heal from. There will be days like this, so prepare for them. Also remember this: “Those who truly desire you in their life will do any and everything to make that happen.” I’ve seen this happen, and it’s true. It’s been told to me and it’s true. Those who want you in their life will make that effort and won’t play games with you calling it “love”. It’s mediocrity, and it won’t be accepted by you any longer.
A recent circumstance has us not speaking at all, not knowing it would be a blessing in disguise. I’ve been able to get on a road to recovery and healing that hasn’t been done before. I mostly thank the non communication between us as helping me reach this point.
For the two years post divorce I questioned why I wasn’t further along in forgiveness, in healing. It was because I kept allowing rehashing of hurt, feelings, the bringing up of old memories to get in the way. The enemy wants us stuck in that place, but healing is most definitely intentional. And it’s there. And it’s yours.