Updated: May 26
How do you walk into a marriage with such high hopes then left with no hope? You find yourself questioning God and yourself: Why did God allow this? Why was His promptings not as clear? Why was I not listening?
I was excited – I dated, courted and fell in love with an anointed believer in Christ, who loved me back and was intentional about doing everything Gods way. He gave me no reason to doubt he wasn’t real about his faith. Yes, had flaws, but with God and me – we would become and we would grow together in Christ. I would accept his flaws and he would accept mines and eventually we would become who God has called us to be.
But what I got was far from what I imagined or hoped for. The things in my marriage I witnessed in my marriage were very ugly and very confusing leaving me in by far the worst relationship I’ve been in – worse than the cheating relationships I endured!
For instance, I strove to be the wife that had the “gentle and quiet” spirit (according to biblical principles), which I knew he appreciated to some extent. But on the other hand he called me “weak” because I didn’t speak up or be the alpha female that he was used to. Then when I would try to speak up and voice my opinion – he would then say I have an attitude and he can’t live with my attitude. Another instance was seeing his relationship with his son from a previous marriage. I adored how he made effort with him and how much time he spent with him. But after marriage, he said he needed me to do all this with his son because he’s burnt out. Only I couldn’t because right away I became pregnant and very sick. Then he grew cold and resentful to me and our unborn daughter.
Once we said “I do” – the real person came out. Living superficially was one thing while dating, but when marriage uncovered deep issues, the realness of a person came out. Truth started appear it’s ugly head and only after marriage I heard the truth of why he wanted to marry me: “I didn’t really want to be married, but I did and hurried up because I couldn’t stand the sight of you crying every time we had sex.”
(And you see why waiting to have sex until after marriage has so many benefits other than purity? It shows how patient a person can really be! Patience is a true virtue in marriage.)
What I would have liked to witness before my marriage:
How he handled pressure
How he handled criticism
How he managed multiple responsibilities
How he spent his alone time with God
How he handled my imperfections
How he worshipped God
How he handled not getting his way
Did he blame others for his actions or did he own up to them
I quickly found out that there are different types of relationships and marriages out there. Each has its own agenda and own focus and purpose. That’s why it’s so important to team up with someone who is going (or wants to go) where you are going. I believed the words “I want to have a powerful Christian marriage” from him but that’s not enough to go by. Words have little meaning without action behind it. I found out furthermore I have to test every spirit that comes up and present itself as a “believer” and “Christian” because it sometimes everything but the true spirit of the Lord.
1 John 4:1 says:
“Dear friends, don’t believe everyone who claims to have the Spirit of God. Test them all to find out if they really do come from God. Many false prophets have already gone out into the world,”
I get it. Yes, being single is hard when you desire a marriage one day. Sometimes we get impatient and sometimes we get eager. I totally get it. But compromising your waiting is not worth being entangled with the wrong person for you, and then having to start from scratch (if you even want to start from scratch again). I don’t doubt there’s someone for him. I even said multiple times in our marriage I don’t think I have what you’re looking for in a wife. I can’t give you what you want. But I strongly agree that he wasn’t the one for me. We have to unwrap the gold to see if it’s the authenticity you are desiring.