"Um, is he narcissistic?!" My lawyer exclaimed after seeing several emails from my ex-husband to me and my pastors. "I want to have him evaluated psychologically. What does he mean he wanted to give you consequences?"
I just shrugged my shoulders in my disbelief of the words in that email as well. Tears tried to start to fill in my eyes as I began feeling sorry for myself and guilty of giving a chance to a person I knew would that chance.
One of the last conversations my ex and I had, he emphasized "You ain't going no where! You keep saying that. Next year you're going to be here still saying the same thing."
I never knew narcissism existed until I was in that marriage. The word narcissism never came up until someone said "That sounds narcissistic." In upon looking the disorder up, I checked the definitions in my head one by one as I scrolled through the many definitions of what narcissism could be:
Sense of entitlement - check
Belittles, bullies and demeans - check
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others - check
Demands respect but gives very little - check
A grandiose sense of self-importance - check
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior - check
believe others envy them - check
Take advantage of others to get what they want - check
React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior - check
Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change - check
Check. Check. Check.
The email read:
"Initially- I saw that up to this point in life, any person who ever presented themselves incapable or weak in any way did not deserve respect or consideration. Survival of the fittest. That’s how I was raised and all the women I’ve dated had alpha personalities. Amber is the opposite. My issue since day one has been how to respond to her when I’m disappointed in her failures and shortcomings (weaknesses) There’s much we both don’t know, but my hot button has always been her not holding her own end of the deal or carrying her own weight. That’s usually where I get furious and look to give her a consequence."
Unfortunately, there I saw myself, not as a wife, but a project to him. During our first year of marriage, I couldn't put into word what I was experiencing with my husband at the time. I just said "He's so controlling! He' so mean!"
However, gaining knowledge and full understanding of the treatment I was experiencing, a real life narcissist got a hold of me! And how I knew I was a victim is when:
I started to feel emotionally or even physically detached from your environment
I started walk on eggshells
I started putting aside my basic needs and desires
I started becoming anxious about the intentions of others I self-isolated a lot I lost my identity
It took a while for me to believe my family and friends when they uttered I was "not myself". I thought that it was dealing with the 1st year marriage woes while becoming pregnant as soon as we were married made me a little weird. I thought it was post partum as well. But honestly, it could have been several factors of why I was feeling, and behaving, the way I was. However, after our precious daughter turned 1, and I noticed the character flaws still continued, I then had hard decisions to make as a Believer, as a wife, as a mom and also as an individual. I chose to leave the marriage ultimately - narcissism played a part. As a Believer, I was disappointed with myself because I was so discouraged. Even through my praying, I didn't see an end in sight and the treatment seemed to get worse over time. These traits are also pre-requisites for other behaviors like physical abuse. One of the last straws was when he started bullying me in front of our impressionable daughter. I never want her to know love through narcissism. Part of my story.