As I attended the workshop portion of a Single & Saved Empowerment Conference in Atlanta, I was taught something very unique, but totally understandable.
Let’s back track for a moment.
When I was in second grade, I was taken to the orthodontics because my teeth were coming in crooked. I believe I had 1 ortho consultation when I was little, and I never seen the orthodontist until my college years. In Savannah, where I attended college, I went again to an orthodontist, determined I was going to get my crooked smile straight. But that fell through. I was thinking ‘why should I be the one getting these braces? My parents are the ones at fault, really. They should have gotten these when I was young!’ And these words ran over and over and over in my mind. And I believed them. Then recently, 3 years ago, I took it upon myself to go again to the orthodontist. I still had a little bit of anger in me because I really believed that this was my parents responsibility, not mines. But I went on in.. and a few months later, they were finally put on.
In my mid twenties… I had braces.
However, I did realize that I wasn’t a child anymore. I couldn’t hold the guilt of this over my dad or moms head, even if I wanted to. I realized, this is my responsibility as an adult. I could not blame anyone but myself now for prolonging this anticipated experience. Being capable of taking care of myself now, I knew I had to go forth, by myself and do it, for me.
A radio VJ/Motivator/Therapist Robin May had a workshop entitled “Before you take his name, or give her yours” she spoke some key realistic point from a relationship perspective. But I took 1 thing she said that can be applied to more than just relationships. From the standpoint of a relationship, we tend to tell our dating partner “I act this way/ I am this way because so and so hurt me. So I have this wall up. So I don’t give myself fully. I can’t trust. I don’t trust… I lived in a single parent home, my dad wasn’t there, my mom wasn’t there so I am this way because of that… all I saw was drugs and alcohol..” and so forth. And not to say this is a very bad thing. I believe our past does influence us presently. It influences the way we think, the way we dress, the way we act in different situations. It does influence us without us really knowing. I get that.
However, with everything that has happened in our past that hurt us, when will us “grown people” be ready to actually face it? Instead of hiding behind it, we use it all too frequently as an ‘excuse’ when trying to explain WHY we act a certain way. This only hinders us from growing. Sometimes we are too lazy or too comfortable to grow. For instance: a guy who is sleeping around, not making a commitment, he gets caught up. One day one of his women may ask for commitment from him, but his excuse is ‘…see I’ve been hurt in the past and I’m not ready for commitment. I didn’t have a father figure in my life so I don’t know how to be a good man…’. Pure example of hiding behind the ‘excuse’ instead of facing it.
People who are real will come to face with reality. Knowing ‘That was then. That is not now.’ And as an adult, we all have to allow ourselves to unhide from the excuses that happened to us when we were babies, when we were 5, 10.. 20. Because at the end of the day, that ‘woe to me’ syndrome is for the birdies and for those who don’t want to help themselves. It’s sorta sad to see someone with potential not use it. Robin May said she will have 3 or 4 sessions with the same person talking about the same thing, and crying over spilled milk. She said, ‘…by the 3rd or 4th time I ask, now, so now what ‘chu gon do about it?’’
When someone ask that very question, people be like… “Oh no! I don’t want to do nothing about it! I want to cry about what happened to me, so people can feel sorry for me… and I can sing woe is me…but I don’t want to do nothing about it!” Why people don’t want to move past it, you ask? Because then they are now held to be responsible. And people, we don’t like that word. Having to now be accountable and moving past a point of hurt to a point of wholeness. So we can’t use ‘the excuse’ anymore. That’s terrifying to some! Only to those who aren’t real and honest with themselves. Who finds ‘the excuse’ more comfortable that growing.
I could have easily kept my money and kept my crooked teeth and had ‘the excuse’ ready. But what good would that be? Walking around with crooked teeth as a grown person looking crazy? Everyone looking at me like ‘she need to do something about that! She is too grown not to get some treatment done to her teeth!’ lol. But believe it or not, that is how people are viewed also when they have their ‘excuse’. It’s almost saying ‘you are too grown to be acting this way’. As an adult, it is up to you to move past the hurt to a place of healing.